I cried in my car before driving off. I kept asking God, who broke this woman so much that she now does not want anything to do with love? I told my family and they all said that since the woman is not willing, there is nothing we can do. I tried to move on, but its been hard…very hard. On her birthday, I sent her flowers. She sent a text to say thank you…you are a good human.
Taking her response as encouragement, I went to see her at work few weeks ago, she was happy to see me but she said she and I can never be together if what I want is marriage or love. I had a really great time with her that day. She unblocked me again. We began to talk again and before you know it, we started being intimate again.
One early morning, I woke up and saw her looking at me…she was staring at me with such deep hurt eyes…I asked her why she was looking at me so much…she said because she fears she might bring too much pain for me. We talked that morning until 2pm in the afternoon without even realizing that we had not eaten.
What I found out that was that Ms. Firecracker was abused by her husband continuously. When she got pregnant, he beat her until she bleed for days without taking her to the hospital. When she got herself two days later, her baby died. The damage from the beating destroyed her womb too.
The nigga is in jail right now in America but she was in a psychiatric care for seven months because her self awareness was badly battered. She went back to school, got her double masters and since then, never allowed herself to fall in love again. Now, knowing her story, I understand her pain. Ms. Firecracker told me that she has not fully healed and not ready to be healed for now because as long as the man is alive, she feels she cannot move on with her life and be happy.
Those were words he told her. That she would never find happiness without him. She suffers depression from time to time. She said she sometimes still feels suicidal hence she throws herself into work so as not to be unoccupied. My girl is hurt really bad. I told her I was going to wait for her until she is ready…she told me not to wait and never to come looking for her. She took her things and left me that day.
This time, she quit her job and left town. I have no idea where she went to. I been calling her brother who is the only family she told me about but he is not responding. I feel hurt and empty. I do not know why God brought this lady into my life…is it because of what the pastor said? even if that were true…how on earth do I break the wall that she has built around her?
Ms. Firecracker has even disappeared right now. I have never been to America…am I supposed to do visa and go and look for someone who does not even want me? I been trying to figure out what my next steps should be…should I hold on…and hope for the best…maybe she would show up somehow in my future or should I go on a wild goose chase to find her?